Life is very hard and very stressful. I just want to run away next year. I can't be here anymore.

Hey guys! It's been a while! This is just gonna be a quick post so I don't seem like a ghost anymore. I'm going to post again mega soon. HAPPY 2015. (I know I'm a little late. SOWWY.) How has your new year been so far? Mine's been pretty rad. I spent the new year in SunRiver. Lots of snow. Lots of hikes. Lots of caves! My boyfriend's birthday is on Monday, so Sunday I'm taking him to some hot springs and then we are rockclimbing to these caves and staying the night there. Then, when we wake up on Monday, we are going to Opal Creek and rockclimbing and spending the day there adventuring. I'm so excited and he has no idea what I have planned!
This past week has been pretty stressful. My grandma went into surgery for her lung cancer and she's all cleared so far! No more cancer, yay! My best friend tried to commit suicide and landed in the ER for a few days, and then spent a week at the mental institute. I visited her every day and let me tell you, it was nothing like I expected it to be.
I'll update you guys soon and start posting again regularly.
Have a blessed day. GO OUTSIDE.

Love <3

So here's a little life update for y'all:

(Names have been changed.)

I have recently discovered that I am completely and utterly in love with my best friend, Eliza. One night, we both drunkenly decided to confess our love to one another (at this time we both had boyfriends, oops). Eliza ended things with her boyfriend and a few nights later her and I hung out. During that time, my boyfriend had been treating me really horribly, so she drove me over to his house and I ended things. That night, Eliza and I discussed our future together and how in love we are and all of this great lovey dovey bullshit.

I think two weeks later, (maybe? I'm not sure. I know it was two days ago.) we held hands in public and kissed and had so much fun together and that night one thing led to another and we had sex.

Yesterday, she decides to tell me that it's over. That she doesn't know what she wants. And that some days she wants me, other days she doesn't. And all this other bullshit.

So I'm fucking hurt as hell. I feel so betrayed and led on. And I think it's really fucking shitty and not a coincidence at all that after we have sex she decides to end things. Like, okay. It's not like I didn't just give myself up to you or anything. No. Fuck you. I'm done.

Moral of the story: Don't fall in love with woman. They'll rip your hearts out with their teeth.

Recently watched Blue is the Warmest Color. I highly recommend it! It's a sad story, but so beautifully done. Lots of lesbian sex, so if you're into that, freaking go watch this now! It's on Netflix and is in French, but has English subtitles.

I'm also reading Girl, Interrupted right now. If you've watched the movie but haven't read the book yet, go do that! If you haven't done either, do both right now! The movie stars Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder. The book is a true story of the author's experience in a mental institute. It's very humorous.

I think I'm going to start living a no waste life very soon. It seems really neat and you save so much money and the environment at the same time! I got really drunk last night and decided that I definitely like girls more than I like guys. Women are so beautiful, how could you not love them??

I'm done with responsibilities. I'm done being an adult. I just want to lay in bed and watch Twin Peaks all day.

 

        Hi guys. My hair is finally long enough to put into one little nub of a pony tail or two itty bitty pigtails. School is really overwhelming still. I have an interview scheduled with the disability services in order to discuss taking my classes online and taking tests home or at least having my own study room to take tests and do work. My anxiety is just getting in the way of everything right now and it makes it hard in accomplishing tasks to my full potential.

        I have accomplished a lot more of the 52 Lists, but I have yet to post them. I'll share a few from each list with you all:

WK 3- Things You Should Be Proud Of

•  Recovery
• Taking initiative in my life
•  Giving out many chances
• Getting accepted into a dance school in NYC, even though I'm not going
• I always stick up for my friends and for myself  

 WK 4- Your Current/Future Goals and Dreams

• Study abroad in Spain
• Study yoga in India
• Volunteer with young women
• Buy a house and garden
• Adopt a child
• Document everything

WK 5- Things You're Grateful For

• Kind hearts
• Animal rescue teams
• My education
• My family
• Surviving
• Being in control of my own life
• Rain and fuzzy blankets
• Strength, growth and grace
• Mother Nature

WK 6- Ways in Which You Can Love Others

• Smile, hugs and kisses
• Make eye contact
• Write letters
• Tell them you love/appreciate them
• Tell them why you love/appreciate them
• Pet animals
• Buy a homeless person food
• Patience, grace and support
• Make them food
• Don't say they / their feelings / their opinions are wrong  

I've really been in touch with my spirituality recently and the beautiful Earth mother nature has gifted us with. 

      

       I'll post pictures of my room soon. I'm starting to feel really safe in my room. Also, I've been making a lot of impulsive decision lately and this is the result of my last impulsive decision. Enjoy! Hope you're all having a blessed week. <3

 

Lavender - the promise of new adventure

LA ESCUELA

        It's been three weeks since I started college and I'm already three weeks behind in my sociology class. I have two exams coming up next week, or technically this weekend, and three essays due in Spanish on Friday. I got accepted into the dance company here and it's great. The faculty and dancers are so kind and welcoming and interesting to get to know. Every day I dance for 7 hours though. It's absolutely ridiculous.
        My anxiety has been intense lately. There's just a lot of stimulation happening here all of the time, and it's so overwhelming. Even as I'm typing this there are many people yelling around me, which makes it hard to concentrate on what I'm doing. I was writing one of my three essays for Spanish, but then I switched over to here because there's just so much happening. Also, I feel absolutely terrified when I see someone walking towards me because I do NOT want them to talk to me or even notice me really. I get honestly so tense and terrified and my anxiety goes insane. I have a complicated love/hate relationship with people in this world.
        In 20 minutes I have my modern dance class and then I have an hour break until my dance rehearsal for the company. I better head off, but I just needed to vent a little bit. Things are hard and I'm very stressed. Fuck.